The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[!! Anorak]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING ****ZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

Almost a year on, and this division has improved so much it's unreal.

It might get **** against next month (or is it July?) if Wlad wins the rematch, but right now you've got a division that is WIDE OPEN and anyone could take the crown.

I'd back Fury to be able to defend his belt against any of them at this moment, but I don't know for sure, and that's the excitement. Plus, even though he's THE heavyweight champion, we're now in an era where there's a spread again, and lots of people fighting for lots of belts. It's potentially like the wild west.

CHAMPION: Tyson Fury
1. Wladski
2. Povetski
3. The Batty Windmiller
4. Pulev
5. Ortiz
6. Antony Joshua
7. Bermane "Fat ****" Stiverne
8. Joseph Parker
9. Bryant Jennings
10. David Haye