Useless Thread™ - LAST PERSON TO POST WINS!

[kaps]

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast....

[badblood]

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done....

Dude I heard that along time ago, some stand up guy said. That **** is mad old. Where did you hear it from?

[kaps]

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

[kaps]

Dude I heard that along time ago, some stand up guy said. That **** is mad old. Where did you hear it from?

Jack Handy, from SNL....

[kaps]

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic....

[kaps]

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how ****** war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them...

[badblood]

I was laughing when I read that, I knew I heard that one before.

[kaps]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing....

[badblood]

[kaps]

Yeah, he cracks me up....