Football Soccer Football Soccer Football Soccer

[Jam Jars]

[SirTomJones]

[Fury]

I can't wait to see Candleface hanging out of his car window.

[squealpiggy]

Van Persie keeps crippled version of self in attic

ROBIN van Persie has confirmed he has a withered, permanently-injured version of himself in his attic.

Manchester United’s self-assembly striker has gone 24 games without injury, beating his previous record by 23, thanks to a voodoo ritual that accompanied his £22.5m transfer.

The homunculus currently limping around the eaves of van Persie’s house appeared in a pentagram in the centre circle of Old Trafford, which hosts frequent cabalistic ceremonies to ensure the continued allegiance of Clive Tyldesley

Van Persie said: “Every time I jump up and down, I hear a little whimper from the loft as another one of his toes snaps like a Ryvita. He’s got a pulled hamstring, broken ankle and collapsed spleen after I helped a friend move house.

“The day I leave United he’ll disappear in a pop of green smoke and every injury will transfer back to me at which point I will announce my retirement from inside an iron lung.”

The use of satanic doubles in football has grown in popularity, with Gareth Bale owning one that is shaped like a Weeble while John Terry’s loft contains a sensitive, humble man with a passion for multiculturalism.

While at Arsenal physios urged Arsene Wenger to summon a van Persie homunculus but the manager refused to pay £50 for a fresh goat.

Van Persie also confirmed that Sir Alex Ferguson visits the attic twice a week to call the creature a ‘ponce’.

[SirTomJones]

Manchester United footballer Paul Scholes has had his car stolen after he left its engine running while defrosting the windscreen.




I do this but I doubt my car is half as nice as the one he had stolen.

[Trophyboy23]

anyone know what time and what channel el clasico is on?

[SirTomJones]

8pm UK time.


Barca will win no doubt

[Sparked_26]

Van Persie keeps crippled version of self in attic

ROBIN van Persie has confirmed he has a withered, permanently-injured version of himself in his attic.

Manchester United’s self-assembly striker has gone 24 games without injury, beating his previous record by 23, thanks to a voodoo ritual that accompanied his £22.5m transfer.

The homunculus currently limping around the eaves of van Persie’s house appeared in a pentagram in the centre circle of Old Trafford, which hosts frequent cabalistic ceremonies to ensure the continued allegiance of Clive Tyldesley

Van Persie said: “Every time I jump up and down, I hear a little whimper from the loft as another one of his toes snaps like a Ryvita. He’s got a pulled hamstring, broken ankle and collapsed spleen after I helped a friend move house.

“The day I leave United he’ll disappear in a pop of green smoke and every injury will transfer back to me at which point I will announce my retirement from inside an iron lung.”

The use of satanic doubles in football has grown in popularity, with Gareth Bale owning one that is shaped like a Weeble while John Terry’s loft contains a sensitive, humble man with a passion for multiculturalism.

While at Arsenal physios urged Arsene Wenger to summon a van Persie homunculus but the manager refused to pay £50 for a fresh goat.

Van Persie also confirmed that Sir Alex Ferguson visits the attic twice a week to call the creature a ‘ponce’.

I love Daily Mash


The Balotelli article was brilliant.


Balotelli 'didn't know he's not supposed to kill people'


MARIO Balotelli last night said he was ‘surprised’ at Roberto Mancini’s angry reaction to the bomb he planted under his car.

The Manchester City striker insisted the 1kg device was a ‘spur of the moment thing’ and that he would ‘probably have forgotten to detonate it anyway’.

He said: “Now everyone is saying I lack professionalism. That seems unfair. It was just a medium sized car bomb. I do it all the time.”

The attempted murder of his manager could be the final straw for the Italian international following his attempt to use a massive, two-handed sword at corners and free-kicks and his Christmas Eve CS gas attack at the Arndale Centre.

Balotelli added: “Mancini has always been like this. When we were both at Inter Milan I had a leopard that I used to starve for a few days and then release at training.

“The manager would get so angry with me. I could not understand why as my leopard was obviously really hungry. I sometimes think Mancini is a very cruel man.”

City’s owners now face the dilemma of trying to offload the mercurial striker to a manager that is okay with random car bombs.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “They’ll need to write some kind of water-tight ‘no murdering’ clause into his contract. The lawyers will have a field day.”

[squealpiggy]

I love Daily Mash


The Balotelli article was brilliant.


Balotelli 'didn't know he's not supposed to kill people'


MARIO Balotelli last night said he was ‘surprised’ at Roberto Mancini’s angry reaction to the bomb he planted under his car.

The Manchester City striker insisted the 1kg device was a ‘spur of the moment thing’ and that he would ‘probably have forgotten to detonate it anyway’.

He said: “Now everyone is saying I lack professionalism. That seems unfair. It was just a medium sized car bomb. I do it all the time.”

The attempted murder of his manager could be the final straw for the Italian international following his attempt to use a massive, two-handed sword at corners and free-kicks and his Christmas Eve CS gas attack at the Arndale Centre.

Balotelli added: “Mancini has always been like this. When we were both at Inter Milan I had a leopard that I used to starve for a few days and then release at training.

“The manager would get so angry with me. I could not understand why as my leopard was obviously really hungry. I sometimes think Mancini is a very cruel man.”

City’s owners now face the dilemma of trying to offload the mercurial striker to a manager that is okay with random car bombs.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “They’ll need to write some kind of water-tight ‘no murdering’ clause into his contract. The lawyers will have a field day.”

awesome!

[USA4LIFE]

1-0 Barca, pretty even game up to that point.