... I'm actually very polite in real life, so I don't often make bad taste jokes offline.
But occasionally you'll think "*fuck it", and just drop the odd one in, won't you? And it often splits the audience. Some will laugh, some will be outraged. Here's five bad taste jokes I've done in real life....
1. Friend in a pub was telling us how devastated he was to find out a friend of his who he'd known for YEARS and had been in the house with his kids was a closet ***** (pedo, Fat Yanks). He was really cut up over it, on the verge of tears.
When he said "the police found he had over 10,000 photos of child pornography on his computer" I said "lucky bastard." You'll be surprised, but didn't go down as well as you might expect.
2. We knew this woman who came to the pub with her daughter who was a mental retard. She was telling us how her daughter couldn't hear, or speak or really communicate and no strength in her body. When she went to the bar and I pointed out that it would make her the perfect **** victim as she couldn't fight you off and wouldn't be able to speak to identify you, it split the audience.
3. I was at a party with a friend who was a primary school teacher. When I asked him if the rumours (rumors, Fat Yanks) were true that his entire class of 6-year-olds walked with a limp, it actually went down surprisingly well.... all except for one guy at the party we didn't know, who, when I left to get another drink from the back room, was asking my friend if he wanted him to knock me out for him.
4. Being at a cinema screening, seeing an advert for famine relief, with one of those poor African babies on it, all covered in flies. A tragic sight, right?
Well, I found out one thing - if you turn to people in the cinema and go "that don't half give me the horn" it doesn't go down that well. Lesson for you all there.
5. I was at work, joking with a couple of women I work with. And I'd been going for a time, and had them chuckling away... I'd got on a roll. The only problem was, I was running out of material to think up. So I thought back on jokes I'd heard other people say on TV and so on.
Bear in mind that I'd been making these two women solidly laugh for 5-10 minutes, I was on a proper roll that day.... but when I did the old "what was Hitler's catchphrase?" routine ("I'm dreading the gas bill") it killed the atmosphere stone dead.
Who'd have thunk it?
But occasionally you'll think "*fuck it", and just drop the odd one in, won't you? And it often splits the audience. Some will laugh, some will be outraged. Here's five bad taste jokes I've done in real life....
1. Friend in a pub was telling us how devastated he was to find out a friend of his who he'd known for YEARS and had been in the house with his kids was a closet ***** (pedo, Fat Yanks). He was really cut up over it, on the verge of tears.
When he said "the police found he had over 10,000 photos of child pornography on his computer" I said "lucky bastard." You'll be surprised, but didn't go down as well as you might expect.
2. We knew this woman who came to the pub with her daughter who was a mental retard. She was telling us how her daughter couldn't hear, or speak or really communicate and no strength in her body. When she went to the bar and I pointed out that it would make her the perfect **** victim as she couldn't fight you off and wouldn't be able to speak to identify you, it split the audience.
3. I was at a party with a friend who was a primary school teacher. When I asked him if the rumours (rumors, Fat Yanks) were true that his entire class of 6-year-olds walked with a limp, it actually went down surprisingly well.... all except for one guy at the party we didn't know, who, when I left to get another drink from the back room, was asking my friend if he wanted him to knock me out for him.
4. Being at a cinema screening, seeing an advert for famine relief, with one of those poor African babies on it, all covered in flies. A tragic sight, right?
Well, I found out one thing - if you turn to people in the cinema and go "that don't half give me the horn" it doesn't go down that well. Lesson for you all there.
5. I was at work, joking with a couple of women I work with. And I'd been going for a time, and had them chuckling away... I'd got on a roll. The only problem was, I was running out of material to think up. So I thought back on jokes I'd heard other people say on TV and so on.
Bear in mind that I'd been making these two women solidly laugh for 5-10 minutes, I was on a proper roll that day.... but when I did the old "what was Hitler's catchphrase?" routine ("I'm dreading the gas bill") it killed the atmosphere stone dead.
Who'd have thunk it?
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