The Xbox 360 had one of the strongest years in console gaming, second only to the Nintendo Wii, the charming console for the whole family. But amidst all the success and the record-breaking sales, an ugly demon reared its head as well, the ‘Red Ring of Death.’
The Ring of Light on the front of the Xbox usually greets us with its swirling green lights accompanied by the faint hum of the Xbox whirring to life. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Should you have ever tried to boot the console up with the A/V cables loose or the power brick or AC adapters loose, you’ve seen the 4 red lights and you've felt your heart splash as it hit the bottom of your stomach, but upon further inspection, you’re still good to go.
But what about the countless number of consoles that were one red light short, the 3 red flashing lights that testify to the utter death of your Xbox 360?
You’ve been through it all. The repair process, the coffins (the clever name for the white cardboard shipping boxes Microsoft sends to retrieve the broken consoles), the month long waits; you’re a professional by now. The Indian tech support helpers that you have to call every time it dies know your name by heart and you know their adopted American names aren’t real but you call them by them anyway. But now, you’ve had enough.
In this article, there will be no fix for the RRoD woes. There isn’t a trick to get it back up and running or a way to haggle for extra Xbox Live subscription cards. This article shows you how to kill your Xbox like a pro.
1. Up A Creek Without A Paddle. Or Parachute.
This is the technique you’ll see for most of the publicized technological destruction. Step 1: find somewhere high up. Step 2: bring Xbox (or any other piece of technology for that matter). Step 3: drop from high place to low place.
Everyone knows it’s a glorious spectacle to watch something fall effortlessly from some height (that shouldn't). It’s like watching something break the law and immediately it’s punished by its impact with the earth below. It’s gratifying really; we’re showing that the system works. We’re not the only object constrained b gravity. Not to mention, the resulting explosion -minus Michael Bay fire and ridiculousness- of shattering motherboards, processor, heatsink (if you see one of these, you probably didn’t need to kill it anyway), and other miscellany is one of the most uplifting events ever to behold.
You may repeat this process as often as desired.
Remember, safety first. Bring those goggles.
2. A Different Kind of Hard Drive
For all you aquatic types out there that love nothing more than being on the beach and hitting the waves, this one isn’t for you. But in case you still want to ski, you might be in luck. This is another one that is pretty easy on the materials. All you need is a vehicle of some sort, some rope, and our beloved Xbox. What we want to do here is tie up our Xbox nice and tight, don’t want it slipping anywhere, and tie the other end of the rope to a bumper or hitch of the vehicle of your choice. Should you be automobile challenged, it’s okay. A bike will work for this, but some of the glory of destruction will be diminished.
Next, with rope attached to the Xbox and the car, hit the gas. Since it seems Microsoft forgot to stress test the console before shipping (thus all the RRoD’s), we’re just picking up where they left off in development.
Dragging the Xbox behind the car will make a loud and obnoxious grinding sound followed by the usual cacophony of clattering and skipping. Don’t worry, that’s normal. The Xbox is a loud machine anyway, this shouldn’t be anything new to you. It’s just getting warmed up. After you’ve managed to wear a good soft spot into the outer casing of the Xbox -or managed to not get pulled over- then you’re sure to see some green showing. Again, this is normal. Contrary to what you may think, this is the ring of light booting up warmly; it’s the motherboard piercing through the shell and screaming at you in agony.
By now you’re sure to have lost some parts to the console and it’s left in a heap of ruined parts and sc****d, ground up, and otherwise shattered dreams and dashed hopes. The console was pretty big anyway and the white definitely needed a makeover. We did Microsoft a favor.
3. The Xbox Live Explosion
This one requires a little more in the materials department and, depending on what state you live in, is time intensive. The Xbox console is known for having some heat problems and some airflow problems. We should definitely open it up and let it breathe a little. First things first, open up the console -warning, this voids the warranty- and take a peek around. Should you have gotten it all the way open, you should see the processor, motherboard, DVD-drive, and the fans. Great. Moving on.
Next, we’re going to need to make a few purchases. M-80’s or Black Cat’s should do the trick, but you can get elaborate as you'd like. There is a lot of open space inside that console, but if there isn’t enough for you, make some more. Pack as many M-80’s or your firework of choice in the console as possible and be sure to (if possible) gather the wicks together to make sure the fireworks go off together. We wouldn’t want any lackluster performances in this experiment. It would be bad form and unprofessional.
All that’s left to do now is celebrate an early Fourth of July and let freedom ring. No harm ever came from being patriotic and if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Independence Day in January?
Here’s what you can expect. We tried to open our console up a little bit and trim the fat inside the console. We needed more airflow right? This baby should cook. You’ll hear some odd sounds: popping, whirring, whistling, and rattling. That’s fine. It’s just the console recognizing its need for better airflow and moving some of the internal components around to negotiate with this need. Smoke is normal. It’s the console sitting back and enjoying the show with you and enjoying a cigarette in the meantime.
After all the pretty flashes of light and the plumes of smoke pouring out of the grating on the sides, top, and bottom of the console, you might have black scorch marks along the side of your Xbox. This is normal; it was all a part of the plan. We did some external cosmetic surgery along the side and added some sweet black flame marks. Who doesn’t like those?
Be sure to ask for your parents' help and permission in this experiment. This one’s a bit on the dangerous side. I’m sure they’ll help. Tell them it’s for school.
4. Viva Pinata!
This one requires many of the same materials as our Hard Drive experiment except instead of the car, substitute a tree. Last time I checked, you couldn’t drive a tree, so simply tying the console won’t cut it. You’ll need one last item to complete the tools of destruction: a sledgehammer.
This one you can get pretty creative with. It doesn’t have to be a sledgehammer and it doesn’t necessarily have to swing from a tree. But manually grinding your console into dust has to fit in there somewhere.
Should you go with the full-on pinata route, be sure that it is tied securely to the tree and that everyone enjoying the festivities creates a safe circle around the Xbox. After hitting the console, it’s going to do some wild swinging (evidently it objects to being struck with blunt instruments) and might try to fight back. Just make sure you’re ready for any rebounds the Xbox might throw at you, and give it another swing.
You can expect the console to dance wildly on the end of the rope and swing in every direction as it tries to escape its gloomy fate. You have to stay strong in this difficult moment and not listen to the begging and pleading the Xbox is sure to do in attempts to save its life. Be vigilant!
Goggles are recommended in the technique as well as flying shrapnel and biting insults are sure to be hurled from your console.
5. It’s Time For Bed
This technique is going to be less spectacular than the previous; however, this technique can get you a new console in the end. Should you have other technical issues with your Xbox, most commonly a DVD-drive read problem, this one is for you. After all those weary hours of gaming late into the young hours of the morning, your Xbox just doesn’t have what it takes. The DVD-drive has spun its last disc and just can’t take the punishment anymore.
You think you’re fine though, right? They just extended the console warranty to 3 years, right? Wrong. The 3-year extended limited warranty is for the 3 red light, RRoD, system malfunction. No red lights, no warranty. Since you don’t have the red lights but you have a system malfunction, we have to convince the Xbox that it’s not feeling well.
Whenever I’m sick, my mom would put me into bed, tuck me in, and make sure I was warm to break my fever and get rid of my chills. The Xbox is no different, it just needs someone to take care of it. Wrap the console up in your favorite comforter or pile of blankets, turn it on, and let him run for a day or some. Make sure to wrap it up tight! It has to stay warm to break that fever. Should you run the console for a few days and remind it that it’s not feeling well, he should cough up that RRoD in no time.
After it admits that it’s not feeling well, who better to fix it than Microsoft. Give Microsoft a call, tell them you got the red rings, and that you might want to look into getting a repair order for it. You should have a white box on your doorstep in a couple of days.
And that’s it. Should you be fed up with Microsoft and want to stick it to the man, what better way than one of the 5 mentioned here? Should you just want to take advantage of the warranty and the ignorance Microsoft has (or chooses to ignore) about their lackluster DVD-drive selection, bring your Xbox to bed with you tonight. Either way, you should be going to bed with a smile on your face.
The Ring of Light on the front of the Xbox usually greets us with its swirling green lights accompanied by the faint hum of the Xbox whirring to life. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Should you have ever tried to boot the console up with the A/V cables loose or the power brick or AC adapters loose, you’ve seen the 4 red lights and you've felt your heart splash as it hit the bottom of your stomach, but upon further inspection, you’re still good to go.
But what about the countless number of consoles that were one red light short, the 3 red flashing lights that testify to the utter death of your Xbox 360?
You’ve been through it all. The repair process, the coffins (the clever name for the white cardboard shipping boxes Microsoft sends to retrieve the broken consoles), the month long waits; you’re a professional by now. The Indian tech support helpers that you have to call every time it dies know your name by heart and you know their adopted American names aren’t real but you call them by them anyway. But now, you’ve had enough.
In this article, there will be no fix for the RRoD woes. There isn’t a trick to get it back up and running or a way to haggle for extra Xbox Live subscription cards. This article shows you how to kill your Xbox like a pro.
1. Up A Creek Without A Paddle. Or Parachute.
This is the technique you’ll see for most of the publicized technological destruction. Step 1: find somewhere high up. Step 2: bring Xbox (or any other piece of technology for that matter). Step 3: drop from high place to low place.
Everyone knows it’s a glorious spectacle to watch something fall effortlessly from some height (that shouldn't). It’s like watching something break the law and immediately it’s punished by its impact with the earth below. It’s gratifying really; we’re showing that the system works. We’re not the only object constrained b gravity. Not to mention, the resulting explosion -minus Michael Bay fire and ridiculousness- of shattering motherboards, processor, heatsink (if you see one of these, you probably didn’t need to kill it anyway), and other miscellany is one of the most uplifting events ever to behold.
You may repeat this process as often as desired.
Remember, safety first. Bring those goggles.
2. A Different Kind of Hard Drive
For all you aquatic types out there that love nothing more than being on the beach and hitting the waves, this one isn’t for you. But in case you still want to ski, you might be in luck. This is another one that is pretty easy on the materials. All you need is a vehicle of some sort, some rope, and our beloved Xbox. What we want to do here is tie up our Xbox nice and tight, don’t want it slipping anywhere, and tie the other end of the rope to a bumper or hitch of the vehicle of your choice. Should you be automobile challenged, it’s okay. A bike will work for this, but some of the glory of destruction will be diminished.
Next, with rope attached to the Xbox and the car, hit the gas. Since it seems Microsoft forgot to stress test the console before shipping (thus all the RRoD’s), we’re just picking up where they left off in development.
Dragging the Xbox behind the car will make a loud and obnoxious grinding sound followed by the usual cacophony of clattering and skipping. Don’t worry, that’s normal. The Xbox is a loud machine anyway, this shouldn’t be anything new to you. It’s just getting warmed up. After you’ve managed to wear a good soft spot into the outer casing of the Xbox -or managed to not get pulled over- then you’re sure to see some green showing. Again, this is normal. Contrary to what you may think, this is the ring of light booting up warmly; it’s the motherboard piercing through the shell and screaming at you in agony.
By now you’re sure to have lost some parts to the console and it’s left in a heap of ruined parts and sc****d, ground up, and otherwise shattered dreams and dashed hopes. The console was pretty big anyway and the white definitely needed a makeover. We did Microsoft a favor.
3. The Xbox Live Explosion
This one requires a little more in the materials department and, depending on what state you live in, is time intensive. The Xbox console is known for having some heat problems and some airflow problems. We should definitely open it up and let it breathe a little. First things first, open up the console -warning, this voids the warranty- and take a peek around. Should you have gotten it all the way open, you should see the processor, motherboard, DVD-drive, and the fans. Great. Moving on.
Next, we’re going to need to make a few purchases. M-80’s or Black Cat’s should do the trick, but you can get elaborate as you'd like. There is a lot of open space inside that console, but if there isn’t enough for you, make some more. Pack as many M-80’s or your firework of choice in the console as possible and be sure to (if possible) gather the wicks together to make sure the fireworks go off together. We wouldn’t want any lackluster performances in this experiment. It would be bad form and unprofessional.
All that’s left to do now is celebrate an early Fourth of July and let freedom ring. No harm ever came from being patriotic and if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Independence Day in January?
Here’s what you can expect. We tried to open our console up a little bit and trim the fat inside the console. We needed more airflow right? This baby should cook. You’ll hear some odd sounds: popping, whirring, whistling, and rattling. That’s fine. It’s just the console recognizing its need for better airflow and moving some of the internal components around to negotiate with this need. Smoke is normal. It’s the console sitting back and enjoying the show with you and enjoying a cigarette in the meantime.
After all the pretty flashes of light and the plumes of smoke pouring out of the grating on the sides, top, and bottom of the console, you might have black scorch marks along the side of your Xbox. This is normal; it was all a part of the plan. We did some external cosmetic surgery along the side and added some sweet black flame marks. Who doesn’t like those?
Be sure to ask for your parents' help and permission in this experiment. This one’s a bit on the dangerous side. I’m sure they’ll help. Tell them it’s for school.
4. Viva Pinata!
This one requires many of the same materials as our Hard Drive experiment except instead of the car, substitute a tree. Last time I checked, you couldn’t drive a tree, so simply tying the console won’t cut it. You’ll need one last item to complete the tools of destruction: a sledgehammer.
This one you can get pretty creative with. It doesn’t have to be a sledgehammer and it doesn’t necessarily have to swing from a tree. But manually grinding your console into dust has to fit in there somewhere.
Should you go with the full-on pinata route, be sure that it is tied securely to the tree and that everyone enjoying the festivities creates a safe circle around the Xbox. After hitting the console, it’s going to do some wild swinging (evidently it objects to being struck with blunt instruments) and might try to fight back. Just make sure you’re ready for any rebounds the Xbox might throw at you, and give it another swing.
You can expect the console to dance wildly on the end of the rope and swing in every direction as it tries to escape its gloomy fate. You have to stay strong in this difficult moment and not listen to the begging and pleading the Xbox is sure to do in attempts to save its life. Be vigilant!
Goggles are recommended in the technique as well as flying shrapnel and biting insults are sure to be hurled from your console.
5. It’s Time For Bed
This technique is going to be less spectacular than the previous; however, this technique can get you a new console in the end. Should you have other technical issues with your Xbox, most commonly a DVD-drive read problem, this one is for you. After all those weary hours of gaming late into the young hours of the morning, your Xbox just doesn’t have what it takes. The DVD-drive has spun its last disc and just can’t take the punishment anymore.
You think you’re fine though, right? They just extended the console warranty to 3 years, right? Wrong. The 3-year extended limited warranty is for the 3 red light, RRoD, system malfunction. No red lights, no warranty. Since you don’t have the red lights but you have a system malfunction, we have to convince the Xbox that it’s not feeling well.
Whenever I’m sick, my mom would put me into bed, tuck me in, and make sure I was warm to break my fever and get rid of my chills. The Xbox is no different, it just needs someone to take care of it. Wrap the console up in your favorite comforter or pile of blankets, turn it on, and let him run for a day or some. Make sure to wrap it up tight! It has to stay warm to break that fever. Should you run the console for a few days and remind it that it’s not feeling well, he should cough up that RRoD in no time.
After it admits that it’s not feeling well, who better to fix it than Microsoft. Give Microsoft a call, tell them you got the red rings, and that you might want to look into getting a repair order for it. You should have a white box on your doorstep in a couple of days.
And that’s it. Should you be fed up with Microsoft and want to stick it to the man, what better way than one of the 5 mentioned here? Should you just want to take advantage of the warranty and the ignorance Microsoft has (or chooses to ignore) about their lackluster DVD-drive selection, bring your Xbox to bed with you tonight. Either way, you should be going to bed with a smile on your face.
] )when I feel like selling it and getting a PS3 and or a high end PC... 
Comment