Writer's Note: 'The Following is For Entertainment Purposes Only'
By Alphonso Costello
Boxing’s pound-for-pound champion is a mythological concept much like the NCAA college football national championship. Pound-for-pound is a term used to describe the world’s best fighters regardless of weight. Just like the college football national championship, the media selects the pound-for-pound king.
I have compiled the definitive top-ten pound-for-pound list by using a comprehensive blend of complex mathematical formulas, computer generated ratings and human judgment.
Rankings updated through March 25
1. Fruit Punch (100% Vitamin C, 0% Fat, 0% Preservatives) - Heavyweight: This top-ten heavyweight is 100% juiced. A fine blend of strawberry, pineapple, grape and orange tangerine makes this Fruit Punch a legitimate and refreshing title contender.
2. Vic Darchinyan (28-0, 22 KO’s) - IBF Flyweight Champion: The 112-pound titleholder challenged middleweight champion Jermain Taylor to a fight. Yeah right. The only little man that can accomplish that feat is former flyweight champion Manny Pacquiao.
3. Evan Fields (41-8-2, 27 KO’s) - Heavyweight: This guy is realer than "Real Deal" Holyfield. I bet he gets a title shot by the end of the year.
4. Manny Pacquiao (43-3-2, 34 KO’s) - Junior Lightweight: Manny is a man of high intelligence, but he hides it well.
5. Carlos Mencia - Comedian: Carlos has some great stand-up material. Too bad he went to the Mike Barnicle School of Plagiarism.
6. Sergio Mora (19-0, 4 KO’s) - Middleweight: Mora may have fumbled away his 15 minutes of fame by refusing to fight world champion Jermain Taylor at the Fed Ex Forum in Memphis.
7. Floyd Mayweather Sr. (29-6-1, 19 KO’s) - Trainer/Poet: The “World’s Greatest Trainer” talks a good game. Too bad we can’t understand a word he says.
8. Nate Campbell (30-5-1, 24 KO’s) - Lightweight: Nate is one win away from becoming a world champion. Yet, he’s still one loss away from fighting in another title eliminator.
9. Angelina Jolie - Actress: Angelina is adopting her third child, a 3-year old Vietnamese boy. Does Angelina know something that we don’t? Is Brad Pitt building an Ark?
10. Kimbo Slice (9-1, 9 KO’s) - YouTube.com Street Fighting Champion: Kimbo Slice is slated to fight Ray Mercer, but a clash with WBO heavyweight champ Shannon Briggs would be the biggest fight since Ali-Frazier I. Two heavyweight Mack trucks with no stamina equals fight of the year.
MISSING THE CUT:
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. (28-0-1, 22 KO’s) - WBC Youth Jr. Middleweight Champion: Take a close look at his record. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Tijuana cab driver on the list.
Thomas Bastard (12-1, 3 KO’s) - Junior Welterweight: Bastard is a 24-year old rising prospect fighting out of the great country of France. His opponents have a combined record of 11-98-1.
Eric “Butterbean” Esch (77-7-4, 58 KO’s) - Heavyweight: Butterbean weighed in at a whopping 417-pounds and knocked out 49-year, 313-pound Joe Siciliano on March 9.
Brandon “Babybean” Esch (0-1) - Heavyweight: Butterbean’s 289-pound son was knocked out in the first round of his pro-debut. Fans in attendance believed it was Rosie O’Donnell with a shaved head.
“Stone Cold” Ray Austin (24-4-4, 16 KO’s) - Heavyweight: He can go back to wrestling now.
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