The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[!! Anorak]

MIDDLEWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Miguel Cotto
1. Gennady Gonad Golovkin
2. Andy Lee
3. Peter Quillin
4. David Lemieux
5. Martin Murray
6. Billy Joe Saunders
7. Daniel Jacobs
8. Hassan N'Dam
9. Daniel Geale
10.Chris Eubank Jr.


This is a pretty fucked up division, really. Big balls Cotto and Triple G are two of my favourites (favorites, Fat Yanks) right now, but Cotto's showing no sign of taking that bout right now.

Cotto's actually on my shit list anyway, for his "middleweight" defence the other month, at a catchweight. wtf is that bullshit? If you're the lineal middleweight champion of the world, you defend it as a middleweight. It's like being the best golfer in the world, and going "yeah, I'll have a golf tournament against this challenger... but instead of playing at the US Open, can we just go down the local pitch and putt? Best of three?" Seriously, what a ****. I would say the guy doesn't have balls, but he demonstrably does.

To tell the truth, the middleweight championship has been unkind to its champions over recent years. Bore Hard may have ran to LHW and got a second career there, but Jermain "Sad Intentions" Taylor became a KO victim for everyone and his mother, Moby Pavlik showed that when a target is moving, the only thing he can hit is the bottle, and Martinez's knackered knees got cruelly exposed against Cotto. To tell the truth, I already thought he'd lost to Martin Murray, so the writing was on the wall. But NSB was particularly unforgiving, those with short memories saying how he'd only ever beaten Europeans, seemingly forgetting how he'd beaten not one but TWO Fat Yanks to unify, and used to look a million dollars. Though as his career ran on, he fell down the Dish List rankings, too.

Continuing this theme, I see Peter Quillin finished off what was left of Ronald "Wanky" Wrong... boxing is never kind to its old hands, is it? History is littered with men who stayed on too long and got put away by the next generation. It's a cold sport in that sense, like going to an old folk's home and giving everyone there a kick in the balls. I've never actually seen Quillin fight, which makes me a ****, I know.

The rest of it... I like Gennady Gonad Golovkin, though his "smile as he KOs a can" routine is getting old, and that's not his fault. The rest of the division is a little shallow. Billy Joe Saunders has a name like a redneck girl and will never be in the Dish List with that birth mark that no one talks about in this PC age. He's a decent enough operator, but not much more than domestic level, really.

Daniel Geale, a fucking disgrace, shows how shallow and screwed this list is. You can lose two of your last three fights by early round quittage, and still be in the top ten. Think about that. 66% of your fights in the last year have been early stoppages, and you're still ranked as one of the top ten middleweights in the world? Still, it provided new fodder for my Australian Boxing Jokes Thread, I guess.

Chris Eubank Jr. is clearly not his dad and probably never will be... Daniel Jacobs will never be a dish with those silly ears, and why did Dmitry Pirog retire anyway?

Lemiuex and N'Dam I haven't seen... Murray's a decent enough operator, but is largely just a gauge of someone's true worth now. How much you give him a beating shows how comparatively good you are. And that's what middleweight has become, really. "Who can give Martin Murray the best kicking?" It's like seeing how can pwn PB32 the most in The Thunderdome. Every single poster can, but who can do it the most? Whereas the most obvious, overlooked idea is to get people to do it to each other. Sadly, boxing seems to be about investment and not risk, and so this division isn't really hot right now.

I do feel I've spent too much time talking about boxing here, and not enough about cocks, ****s and assholes, but I'm sure we'll make up for that next time.

RATING: Below par

[Dr Rumack]

I tell you what, ****s, I was gonna do one division a day, but as it's a new 'un, let's get that forgotten division out of the way... what was it called again?



CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING ****ZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

On paper, Cruiserweights should have everything. The hardest-hitters outside the heavyweight division, but with more mobility. Yet somehow it always gets overlooked. You suspect that it might actually be quite good, if only anyone ever saw it ?a bit like Led's cock.

Take these guys, above. I'm not as into boxing as I was a few years ago, so I have to confess, they're unknowns to me, generally. Marco Huck's official ring name is "Who Gives A Fuck?" which tells you all you need to know, and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:





No other division has such an in-built resistance to it, where every champion, even the dishes, gets told "he's good... But I'd like to see him at heavyweight." Of course, it doesn't help that even the Wankopedia entry states that it was invented to help smaller heavies get by. It's like the division’s entire raison de etre is to help the disadvantaged. Effectively it's like making a new weight class: "The Thalidomide Class", just to ensure New England isn't constantly facing fighters with a greater reach advantage. Good old New England and his humility can clean up, beat every fighter in that division, unify all the belts, but you're still only going to say "but WHAT IF?" That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally?a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled.

I'm not sure I've even seen any of the other fighters in this ranking, and, while that’s slack of me, isn't it a slackness we all tend to share? I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

Cruiserweight?the division that no one ever remembers.

What were we talking about again?

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

"That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally?a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled."

[Larry the boss]

lol.................

[pesticid]

Okay, let's crack on with the fourth in our series:

SUPER MIDDLEWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Vacant
1. Artur Und Abrahammer
2. James DeGale
3. George Groves
4. Robert Stieglitz
5. Gilberto Ramirez
6. Andre Dirrell
7. Badu Jack
8. Antony Dirrell
9. Fedor Chudinov
10.Calum Smith

Now, this is a weird ranking from The Ring and no mistake. Because of their rules on inactivity, almost inarguably the two best supermiddleweights in the world no longer even feature. It's a bit like saying "I'm going to draw up a list of Boxingscene's ten biggest fucktards, but I'm not going to include LarryX or Righteous because they haven't logged in for two weeks."

You know what, though? Even though it makes this engaging division seem less deep, it does make it more interesting, as, within reason, any of those men above could beat the others on any given night. More or less. Before this it was just a lazy-eyed God botherer headbutting people into submission, and someone being in permanent No.1 spot gets dull quick.

But what SMW did to really show boxing how to be great again was the Super Six tournament. Featuring all the best SWMs, save Bute and debatably Miranda, it pitted them all against each other. Naturally it was such a good idea that no other division has really done it since, figuring that fans of boxing don't deserve to see the best boxers fighting each other... who'd want that, right?

There were flaws with it, sure. It lasted almost as long as one of Squealpiggy's threads about religion, and eventual winner Andre Ward could make a porno boring. But as a fundamental idea, it was sound. For all his faults, Carl Froch took the spirit of the event and carried on afterwards, building one of the best records today in terms of opponents faced, win or lose. That's what boxing should be about, really. Is that naive??

So let's look at the ten. Arthur Abraham has, sadly, never been a fully-fledged SMW, and it's heart breaking to see a man who fought 7 rounds with a completely busted jaw do so badly since. At MW he was 30-0 with 23 KOs. Since moving up, his career at SMW has been 12-4 with just 4 KOs. (Okay, 5 if you count the Dirrell fight). The man who once valiantly battled back with a busted jaw, however dodgy the officiating, basically stood back and let Froch pretty much shut him out, losing a fight and learning the hard lesson that sometimes you can be outboxed simply because the other man has long arms (a revelation that New England described to me as "heartbreaking").

DeGale, I've seen a number of times as he got a fair bit of free-to-air coverage here in the UK. He looks good for five or six rounds, then his workrate always starts to plummet. In a way, his fights are like PB32 doing a slow striptease... he might look a million dollars for 15 or 20 minutes, but you'll always get to the bit where he has to take his pants off and show everyone his ginger pubes.

Groves is a decent operator, too. He has his critics, sure, but he's decent at mind games, and can crack. I know the Froch he fought the first time might not have been at the races mentally, but how many SMWs could have had the Cobra out on his feet in one round? I watched his fight with Glen Johnson, and although Johnson was clearly at the end of his career, this is a man who'd just gone the distance with Froch and Bute and looked like he didn't care... but against Groves he looked like he wanted to be somewhere else, and was never in the fight. The oddest thing about DeGale and Groves is that people are now clamouring for a rematch after their first fight which Groves won by SD (FWIW, I scored it for DeGale, who went into the bout playing "the villain"), seemingly forgetting the first bout was so tedious it was almost like watching an Andre Ward highlight reel.

Of the Dirrells, then Andre is terrifically naturally gifted, though, as you may recall, didn't react to kindly to my bumming. His brother Anthony reminds me of someone, but I can't quite put my finger on who. I suspect it might be Mr. Potato Head suffering from down syndrome, but I could be wrong. I've only seen clips of him, but I lost all respect for him when they cut to him in the middle of the DeGale-Dirrell bout (before James started to gas) and he was going "yo, my man gonna put it on 'im, y'all knowwhatI'msayin'? I can see him winning this, y'all." I'd have respected him far more if he'd said "fuck me... he's been flopping around on the canvas like a gay haddock all night... he's behind on points and he'd looking a right daft ****. He's got a steep hill to climb, innit?" You know, be HONEST, or fuck off. If you're just gonna bullshit like a lounge poster telling us how he "taps hos on the daily", then why bother being there at all?

Badu Jack I haven't seen, though I've heard he's basic, and he has the word "bad" in his name. Fedor Chudinov I haven't seen, though I've heard he's basic, and he has the words "Fed" "Chud" in his name. Callum Smith shows signs of shallowness in the division as he doesn't really deserve to be up there, but I feel certain he'll show more ambition than his brother Paul did last week, even if only by default. Did you see that ****? The useless bastard threw about as many punches as Weltschmerz goes minutes without hitting the bottle.

Overall, I like this division, it's been consistently interesting for a time. The problem when you get "stars" in a division is that they just think about $$$ and do **** all for it. With this division, you've had a weight class that, for the last six years or more, has pretty much seen everyone fighting everyone... at least as much as they can in today's boxing landscape.

VERDICT: Good.

LOL. To be afair to Athur his reach ain't that bad.

[!! Anorak]

JUNIOR MIDDLEWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Floyd Mayweather
1. Canelo Alvarez
2. Erislandy Lara
3. Austin Trout
4. Demetrius Andrade
5. Jermell Charlo
6. Vanes Martirosyan
7. Cornellius Bundrage
8. Jermall Charlo
9. Julian Williams
10. Carlos Molina


I'm not really keen on the entire premise of this division to be honest. Just the title, if nothing else: "junior middleweight". It says "son of middleweight"... "people who wanted to be proper middleweights but were too much of a BETA"... "People who should have been welterweights but were fat ****s so couldn't make it."

Think if Supermiddleweight was called "Middleweight - Pie Eating Division" or Cruiserweight was called "Beta Heavyweights". It's all about the presentation, see? You can be the best in the world, but you're still the best "Junior Middleweight". It's the equivalent of saying "I got into a drunken bar brawl last night. Oh, but he was my friend, he weighed about 40lbs less than me and I still broke my hand, and I only got drunk because I was hitting the Miller Lite. PS. I'm a ****." That's right, this is the Beercules division of boxing, it really is.

I won't go into Mayweather too much. Just a few minutes ago I was in NSB and some ****** **** had made a "Maiiii myte be boaring but he iz gud" thread, complete with poll. It's like one massive circle jerk in there, with all of the Mai-iiites sucking and wanking each other 24/7.

Here's the thread: //krikya360.com/forums/sh...=681684&page=2

I really felt like hitting that **** with a cricket bat - what's going on in his BRAIN? Does he wake up, pull off his Floyd-covered and spunk-stained mattress, lick on a car battery for three hours and then go "Hey... eye no a gud idea four a thred... this will never hav bean discussed befoar". What a total fucktard. How can these ****s not get BORED of saying the same shit over and over?

I resent Maiii because of all this repetitive ****ery that he's splashed over NSB for YEARS now. There's not a single thread in there that doesn't mention him. If I made a thread about how I'd rimmed out a cat, you'd get some knuckle-scraping shithead replying "yeah... I bet Money cud rim out a cat better than anyone, TBE". They need acid throwing over 'em, they really do.

The other thing is, of course, is that he's been up for a list of domestic violence charges so often it's ridiculous. From all accounts he's hit women about as many times as Weltschmerz has hit the bottle. How can anyone be a fan of someone who acts like that? Still, "the time is right".

The rest of 'em? Ah, fuck 'em. I've never really saw Alvarez as a dish, and that "I landed two punches a round" shit got on my nerves. Though it still makes me laugh how NSB will talk about Floyd "dominating" him, considering compubox registered 10 punches landed in the whole fight. Floyd landed about as many punches as Joe Strong gets replies in his "concert footage" thread. The poor bastard.

Austin Trout I give a pass to, because I love his name of "No Doubt Trout". (I used to be a big fan of "The Hispanic Causing Panic", before I realised the only "panic" he caused was apprehension that people would have to sit through one of his shitty fights).

The rest of 'em are a bunch of ****s I've never seen, a 43-year-old from The Contender, and two identical twin brothers, which is kind of novel, but also weird and confusing. We had a division that was ruled for years by two brothers, and wasn't that great? Maybe Jermall will start hugging his opponents and insisting that anyone who KOs him has to sign for a rematch with Jermell. I mean, seriously, did their mum (mom, Fat Yanks) not have an idea for a different name or something? What a ****** BITCH - I'd love to kick her in the ****. But in a nice way, not in a "violence against women" way. It's a complement, really. I take it back. Don't want that 7th ban just yet.

But seriously, what a silly fucking ****.

VERDICT: Ah, fuck it.

[Spacey1991]

I'm just hoping you manage to get all the way to the Strawweight division without getting banned, this is fucking gold!

Considering your track record I think that might be pushing it though...

[!! Anorak]

WELTERWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
1. Kell Brook
2. Manny Pacquaio
3. Amir Khan
4. Tim Bradley
5. Keith Thurman
6. Shawn Porter
7. Marcos Maidana
8. Diego Chaves
9. Sadam Ali
10. Brad Solomon


Now, I kind of detest this division because so many of its members have resulted in NSB becoming the forum's equivalent of WorldStar or Ebaumsworld. Only last night I ranted about some clueless **** who decided the forum was missing its 185,546,894th thread about Floyd Mayweather.

Yet there's no denying that's the deepest talent pool going right now. Sure, the two most famous boxers there are aged, and with knackered legs ("the time is right") and they can be annoying. I'd like Floyd to prove, seriously PROVE, he was the "TBE". Not cherry pick, retire when things look rough, and insist that Marcos Maidana (a tough, rough but still ultimately second-tier fighter) wears pillows on his hands so he doesn't get hurt. His fanboys love to say such things don't matter, but, in all honesty... it does. A great fighter who never really stretched himself to the limit. The recent news that he was considering a rematch with DelaHoya says it all... business first, genuine achievement way down the line. That's not to say that his resume isn't good, even GREAT, but it's not the greatEST.

Pacquaio's also had his share of "catchweights", and was always "su****iously" good at his peak. I did have a nickname for him which began with the letters "PI", but the last time I said it in the lounge I got banned for a month, so fuck it.

Both, of course, are still very, very good, but give it two, three years and they'd start to lose. It helps that the new up-and-comers look decent. Porter's another Maidana type to me... a swarmer, a brawler. Might never be elite (or "the future"... blow me) but he's a solid guy.

Kell Brook looks genuinely decent, we'll see where he goes from here. Of course, the third most-discussed fighter on there is the guy with the shaky chin. Amir can do a lot of things that other boxers, even reputedly Pacquaio can't. I'm thinking the hand speed.... though I'm also thinking the way he can land flat on his arse at any given moment.

I've actually bummed more boxers in this division than nearly any other. I've bummed Floyd, I've bummed Manny, I've bummed Shawn Porter and I've bummed Amir. In fact, I even bummed Floyd a second time, though it appears my second bumming of Manny has been deleted. I probably need to bum Timothy Bradley, a fighter who I onced dubbed "Timothy Bad Chin", and I've yet to watch last night's. Can't Pat Russell get a hearing aid though?

The last three twats in this list I haven't seen, but that's due to me being a lazy prick. Another I haven't, disgracefully, seen, is Keith Thurman. Really, with a lot of these boxers, the "hype" is what puts you off. Seeing a 24/7 NSB thread creation of "Keith Thurman is so great his **** could puncture a whole in the fabric of the universe - FACT"; "Keith Thurman could KO Godzilla and King Kong on the same night" and "they should have let Keith Thurman take a dump on Hiroshima, his turds would have done more damage than an atomic explosion" makes me want to see the **** LESS, than more.

One thing I occasionally get accused of is being nationally biased, a charge I always reject. Although I'll sometimes get to see lower-tier boxers more from this side of the Atlantic (simply because they're cheaper to screen in the UK, and are sometimes free-to-air), what you fuckers have to understand is that sometimes I simply just like trolling.

I know, I know... it's a fucking shocker. But British fighters get dissed so often that it's next to no fun doing threads on them because you won't get a "bite". I remember doing my first "Amir's been KO'd" thread, and all I got was page after page of "fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - k given, buddy." Where's the fun in THAT? Whereas, in contrast, when Pacquiao got KO'd against Marquez, I went to town and got a two-month ban for my troubles.

My point here is simply this: I've never seen Keith Thurman, I don't think. I don't know the guy. He's probably a great boxer, and someone I'd like to watch. But I hope - I pray to fucking God - he'll get KO'd soon, simply for the reason that it'll allow me to go into NSB and piss off at least 70% of the posters. That's the kind of **** I am.

VERDICT: Very good division, though the two top fighters are on their way out

[Beercules]

Thurman is so great his **** could puncture a whole in the fabric of the universe - FACT







Great work.

[!! Anorak]

JUNIOR WELTERWEIGHTS - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Danny Garcia
1. Lucas Mahoweverhtefuckyouspellit
2. Lamont Peterson
3. Ruslan Provodnikov
4. Adrien Broner
5. Terrance Crawford
6. Jessie Vargas
7. Viktor Postol
8. Mauricio Herrera
9. Dinner Jacket Frog
10. Amir Imam

Just as an aside, have you noticed how many of the divisions have ring champions right now? That's quite good how many are populated. Right now the only vacancies are supermiddle and lightweight. There might be some vacancies below lightweight, but, as we'll see, they're what I call the "midget faggot" divisions. I mean, fair credit to 'em and all, but when someone weighs less than my taddywhacker I can't help but think I might beat 'em in a fight and that they're a defacto ****, you know what I mean?

Anyway, let's get stuck in. Danny Garcia. I actually like fighters that rise to the top despite a lack of "gifts". It's easy to be the best if you've got lightning fast reflexes and fast feet. Far, far harder if you're like Carl Froch - a hook-nosed fuckwit who catches punches with his face and lost a fight in the amateurs to a snail. I once had an argument on YouTube with someone saying that I respected, in a way, Ricky Burns more than I did Floyd Mayweather because Burns has to go into fights as a talentless prick, which makes his mission more difficult. You might remember Ricky Burns - he was the Scottish lad who would get the shit knocked out of him for twelve rounds then get the win on the cards in Scotland. When he finally lost (to Terrance Crawford), Jim Watt, the voice of impartiality, said it wasn't anything Crawford did, but Burns was unwell.

What the fuck am I rambling on about? Fuck knows, I'm pissed already. I just got caught looking down my housemate's top, and I can see she wanted to punch me. I'm off my fucking ****. Anyway, Ricky Burns. There was a fight where he was outboxed for nine rounds. The guy was hitting him at will like he was a prime Versatyle. Then, after nine, the guy, amazingly... QUIT. It was as if the pressure of beating the crap out of a battery-licking Scottish mongoloid had got to him and he couldn't take it any more. Fair credit to Ricky. He's shit, but there's that X Factor.

Garcia had it. ONCE. He'd beat people he was supposed to lose to, just because he was too ****** and cross-eyed to give a fuck. One of the best times I've had on here was when he beat Matthyse, and, in doing so, knocked Bringer off Lucas's cock. In fact, Bringer was never the same after that, was he? It was if that regular supply of Argentinian love syrup was keeping the Communististic, tattooed beanpole going, and without it, he went on a banning spree then threw out his tampon. Where is that ****?

God, I'm pissed out my head. What am I even talking about? Anyway, Garcia. Since then, it's all been downhill. Two fights that he arguably lost, then he's signing up to fight Batty Battinaggi. What the Hell happened?

That stink goes to much of the division, and it's a stink that won't wash off. Peterson looked sensational last time out, but I still feel sorry for Amir that their fight (which I felt he won anyway - c. Bias Brit) wasn't changed to an NC. The stink of what he did will always cling to him, so much so that I nearly wrote "Pederson" then and had to correct myself. A talented boxer, but he's got more juice inside him than Weltschmerz at closing time.

Adrien Broner, what an annoying twat. When he does "comedy", it's the kind of "comedy" that's so bad 99% of NSB will think the witless fucktard is Oscar Wilde. It's PAINFUL. However, having said that, it's hilarious watching him take a beating, something I'd never get tired of seeing - something he's got in common with Beercules - so more power to him.

Ruslan Provodnikov, I USED to like, but that Matthyse fight was billed as a "fan friendly" bout, and instead saw the prick trudging around and get repeatedly battered. Frankly, he looked like Siberian ******, fresh off the special bus. Did you see that interview he did after Algeri, where he was going "I... uh... how you say in English?... I prefer them to stay in front... and let me hit them... I good then... they box... block.. move... it no good for me. Let me hit you... I ... uhhhhhhhhhhhh... good. Box... I look like fucktard." He really pissed me off in that Matthyse bout, he just stood there like a dumb shit. I reckon Derrick Coleman would have beaten him that night. In fact, that's what Ruslan is like, in all honesty... a lazy turd that stays in the toilet pan and won't flush. Put your hand near to that turd and try and push it away... you won't. It'll stay there for half an hour and won't go down. Plus, you'll get the stink on you. It might even KO you with its strength. But move around... that turd's not gonna get anywhere near you. A lesson that Beercules's 80lb friend might have heeded the other night.

I haven't seen the bottom four here, in fact No.9 is really some guy called "Jose Benavidez". Frankly, he looks - and this isn't meant as a criticism - like a jug-eared ***** whose parents were brother and sister.

So, yes, Dinner Jacket Frog ISN'T really one of the ten best Junior Welterweights out there right now... but wouldn't it be better if he was?

VERDICT: Slightly below par

[Derranged]

This might be one of the best threads you've ever made, lad.

Of course priding oneself on making one of the best threads in an internet forum lounge section is like Rockin' bragging about the best mentally challenged pizza delivery boy he ever got knocked the fcuk out by.

Seriously though: Hilarious thread and solid points.