The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[vorgaphe]

God bless, love. To be fair, a turd out my ass has got more boxing analysis than the tards in NSB.

Anyway, might not be online for a few days, so let's get one last one in for a bit....


LIGHTWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Vacant
1. Richar Abril
2. Jorge Linares
3. Mickey Bey
4. Miguel Vazquez
5. Sharif Bogere
6. Dejan Zlaticanin
7. Dierry Jean
8. Kevin Mitchell
9. Denis Shafikov
10. Richard Commey


Here's where we start getting to the run of what I call "beta fighters". There's some fighters at lower weights I love - I was a big fan of Ian "Dapa" Napa, for example. Me, his mum and one other guy.

But my issue with these lower divisions is simply this: they have forearms that may realistically be thinner than my taddywhacker.

I'm not a big guy, gang. I'm just a shade under 5'10, so slightly above average height... my shoulders are pretty broad though I don't work out. I'm in so-so shape (though I don't have a six pack and press 250lbs in the gym like 90% of the lounge does). My pecker is slightly above average length by a few centimetres, and significantly above average width. It's a fat 'un, and thank the Lord for that. I once went out with a girl who had a vag that was so big it had its own gravity pull, and was drawing in planets from light years away into its gravity wake. By plugging the gap with my old chap, I saved everyone from universal collapse. Do I ever get a thank you? I do not.

My point? Well, if I was in top peak condition, the kind of condition where I'd want to send New England a snap so he could hold it at arm's length (two inches away) and jack off over it, then I'd be between 126lbs (at the VERY minimum) and 168lbs. Ripped, but retaining some muscle, obviously with my build I'd really be a middleweight or supermiddleweight. I probably walk around as a light heavy, but I don't look overweight for any of you ****s that feel like getting fresh.

So while I respect and admire the skills of these guys, I can't help but think to myself "they're a ****ing midget", you know? Pacquaio can beat everyone, but if I were standing next to him in the toilets, I'd have a smile on my face, wouldn't I? I'm not saying I respect a man less if he has a tiny pecker but.... no. That IS what I'm saying, isn't it? Even Nathan Cleverly went up in my estimation at a recent weigh in where he showed off an unexpected Welsh mamba snake.

It's like when you see Miguel Cotto at a weigh in, isn't it? There's nothing *******ual about enjoying looking at another man's genitals. I can't help but look at his balls like barrage balloons and think "Fair play, Miguel... that's mucho mucho mucho man g****s." I'm sure I'm not alone.

So you might think "Lightweight" means Beercules on a night out when he can't take his beer. Not so. It refers to men who weigh no more than 135lbs, or about 9.6 stone for any fellow Green Teefs reading. All of the ten fighters in that list above, man and boy, probably can't urinate without pulling their pants all the way down, and have to use a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers every time they want to go. All of them get their wives and girlfriends to replace their vaginas with an atom.

So what do these daft ****s have in common, other than being in full possession of penises so small that they'd only be three times the length of Led or Tuggers? I thought you twats would never ask. Basically, I've only seen one of 'em, and that's Kevin Mitchell. Don't say "Bias Brit", I live in the UK, they put him on UK TV.

I like Mitchell. He's in a division above his head, I feel, but he has skills. Sadly he's often underperformed on the big stage, so the fights you may have seen him in, he's let himself down badly... he's one of the few times that Ricky Burns hasn't needed to pay off the judges, for example. But check out his showing against Breidis Prescott sometime, and I heard he showed heart the other month, though I haven't got round to seeing it yet.

The rest of 'em? Fuck knows. We've already established as a stone cold FACT that they have micropenises. Is there anything else I need to say about this matter? I don't know the ****s. Is that my fault or theirs?


VERDICT: Fuck knows. Little peckers.

****ing creasing up here. ATG post right here.

[Dr Rumack]

The lightweight edition is outstanding.

[!! Anorak]

Hi gang, been away for a few days... where were we?


FEATHERWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Vacant
1. Nicholas Walters
2. Vasyl Lomachenko
3. Gary Russell Jr.
4. Abner Mares
5. Lee Selby
6. Jhonny Gonzalez
7. Simpiwe Vetyeka
8. Darnell Negroson
9. Julio Jesus "Mucho Mucho Mucho" Beanez
10.Joey "Bog Eye" O'Leary, the Down Syndrome Demolisher

Now, historically featherweight is not only one of the original divisions, dating back to the late 1880s, but its also been one of the most exciting and distinguished for many years, including recent history.

Sadly, you look at the list above, and for some reason it's entered a real slack period. In fact, most of these guys are seen on prime time TV about as often as Weltschmerz's seen at an AA meeting.

It's such a so-so division right now that I've replaced 7-10 with three fictitious fighters I invented, and it probably makes the division twice as good. (Should you care, it's really Evgeny Gradovich, Jesus Cuellar and Jayson Velez).

I've obviously heard of Walters and Mares, but haven't seen 'em, and, really, this whole thing is again symptomatic of how boxing as a whole isn't grabbing people - or me, at any rate. Too many fighters where a "natural" match up is right there, and instead they'll say stuff like "this Chris Algeri looks a tough test.... maybe after that Paulie Malignaggi could stretch me?"

Sure, I get it. It's a BUSINESS. But the biggest disgrace of recent times wasn't even that the "fight of the century" took 15 years to make, but that the undercard was stacked with ****ty one-sided bouts. What better way to get people hooked on the sport than with fights that aren't remotely competitive? When I lay down money, I expect something in return. If I paid a ********** nine times for a blowie and all she gave me was a ten second suckle, I wouldn't pay her a tenth time.

I love the sport, obviously, but in recent times it's started to turn me off. And these poor ****ing midgets - all of whom only have a ten-inch reach advantage on New England - are the ones taking the brunt of that ennui.

Sole exception here for me is Jhonny Gonzalez. Old for the division now, of course, but I've seen this guy in some terrifically exciting fights over the years, and have been watching him for probably over a decade. A real favourite (favorite, Fat Yanks) of mine - I mucho mucho like him.


VERDICT: Give a fuck

[Beercules]

[vorgaphe]

NE and Welt getting KOd over and over in this thread

[joe strong]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING ****ZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

[joe strong]

I tell you what, ****s, I was gonna do one division a day, but as it's a new 'un, let's get that forgotten division out of the way... what was it called again?



CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING ****ZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

On paper, Cruiserweights should have everything. The hardest-hitters outside the heavyweight division, but with more mobility. Yet somehow it always gets overlooked. You suspect that it might actually be quite good, if only anyone ever saw it ?a bit like Led's cock.

Take these guys, above. I'm not as into boxing as I was a few years ago, so I have to confess, they're unknowns to me, generally. Marco Huck's official ring name is "Who Gives A Fuck?" which tells you all you need to know, and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:





No other division has such an in-built resistance to it, where every champion, even the dishes, gets told "he's good... But I'd like to see him at heavyweight." Of course, it doesn't help that even the Wankopedia entry states that it was invented to help smaller heavies get by. It's like the division’s entire raison de etre is to help the disadvantaged. Effectively it's like making a new weight class: "The Thalidomide Class", just to ensure New England isn't constantly facing fighters with a greater reach advantage. Good old New England and his humility can clean up, beat every fighter in that division, unify all the belts, but you're still only going to say "but WHAT IF?" That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally?a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled.

I'm not sure I've even seen any of the other fighters in this ranking, and, while that’s slack of me, isn't it a slackness we all tend to share? I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?
Cruiserweight?the division that no one ever remembers.

What were we talking about again?

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

That is some funny *****...

[Cloud]

I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the **** is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble? hahaha

That name must still rub you up a little.

[phallus]

God bless, love. To be fair, a turd out my ass has got more boxing analysis than the tards in NSB.

Anyway, might not be online for a few days, so let's get one last one in for a bit....


LIGHTWEIGHT - RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Vacant
1. Richar Abril
2. Jorge Linares
3. Mickey Bey
4. Miguel Vazquez
5. Sharif Bogere
6. Dejan Zlaticanin
7. Dierry Jean
8. Kevin Mitchell
9. Denis Shafikov
10. Richard Commey


Here's where we start getting to the run of what I call "beta fighters". There's some fighters at lower weights I love - I was a big fan of Ian "Dapa" Napa, for example. Me, his mum and one other guy.

But my issue with these lower divisions is simply this: they have forearms that may realistically be thinner than my taddywhacker.

I'm not a big guy, gang. I'm just a shade under 5'10, so slightly above average height... my shoulders are pretty broad though I don't work out. I'm in so-so shape (though I don't have a six pack and press 250lbs in the gym like 90% of the lounge does). My pecker is slightly above average length by a few centimetres, and significantly above average width. It's a fat 'un, and thank the Lord for that. I once went out with a girl who had a vag that was so big it had its own gravity pull, and was drawing in planets from light years away into its gravity wake. By plugging the gap with my old chap, I saved everyone from universal collapse. Do I ever get a thank you? I do not.

My point? Well, if I was in top peak condition, the kind of condition where I'd want to send New England a snap so he could hold it at arm's length (two inches away) and jack off over it, then I'd be between 126lbs (at the VERY minimum) and 168lbs. Ripped, but retaining some muscle, obviously with my build I'd really be a middleweight or supermiddleweight. I probably walk around as a light heavy, but I don't look overweight for any of you ****s that feel like getting fresh.

So while I respect and admire the skills of these guys, I can't help but think to myself "they're a ****ing midget", you know? Pacquaio can beat everyone, but if I were standing next to him in the toilets, I'd have a smile on my face, wouldn't I? I'm not saying I respect a man less if he has a tiny pecker but.... no. That IS what I'm saying, isn't it? Even Nathan Cleverly went up in my estimation at a recent weigh in where he showed off an unexpected Welsh mamba snake.

It's like when you see Miguel Cotto at a weigh in, isn't it? There's nothing *******ual about enjoying looking at another man's genitals. I can't help but look at his balls like barrage balloons and think "Fair play, Miguel... that's mucho mucho mucho man g****s." I'm sure I'm not alone.

So you might think "Lightweight" means Beercules on a night out when he can't take his beer. Not so. It refers to men who weigh no more than 135lbs, or about 9.6 stone for any fellow Green Teefs reading. All of the ten fighters in that list above, man and boy, probably can't urinate without pulling their pants all the way down, and have to use a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers every time they want to go. All of them get their wives and girlfriends to replace their vaginas with an atom.

So what do these daft ****s have in common, other than being in full possession of penises so small that they'd only be three times the length of Led or Tuggers? I thought you twats would never ask. Basically, I've only seen one of 'em, and that's Kevin Mitchell. Don't say "Bias Brit", I live in the UK, they put him on UK TV.

I like Mitchell. He's in a division above his head, I feel, but he has skills. Sadly he's often underperformed on the big stage, so the fights you may have seen him in, he's let himself down badly... he's one of the few times that Ricky Burns hasn't needed to pay off the judges, for example. But check out his showing against Breidis Prescott sometime, and I heard he showed heart the other month, though I haven't got round to seeing it yet.

The rest of 'em? Fuck knows. We've already established as a stone cold FACT that they have micropenises. Is there anything else I need to say about this matter? I don't know the ****s. Is that my fault or theirs?


VERDICT: Fuck knows. Little peckers.

at least yours is bigger than roy jones'

did you have to tie a board to your ass when you ****** your ex?

[!! Anorak]

I saw Keith Thurman the other night at the suggestion of you guys ?are there two Keith Thurmans boxing and I looked at the wrong one? The one I saw was nearly broken in two by Luis “Hands of Stone?Collazo, and was staggering around like Weltschmerz at closing time.

I saw some criticism in NSB of Collazo “doing an Ortiz? and then people slating those criticising for it. For a start, while I’d not condone any man taking undue punishment, what people seem to forget is that it’s his JOB. People say stuff like “would you want to get punched in the head when you can’t see??Course I fucking wouldn’t?that’s why I work in an office like a ****. But can you imagine other jobs that daft **** Collazo might have done?

“I just got back from my job at a book seller’s?fuck me, I had to sell books all day. What’s up with that??br />
“Jesus, that’s the last time I go to my job as a swimmer?I kept getting fuckin?wet, yer ****.?br />
"I'm quitting my job as a barber... they kept expecting me to cut fuckin' hair FFS!"

What also gets me is those condemning “armchair critics?as if this makes any sense whatsoever. I once saw someone in NSB say that people who say Batti Battinaggi can’t punch would get KO’d by him.

Now, if I was hit in the face by Batti Battinaggi, I’d probably cry and shit my pants like a fuggen BETA. I’d avoid a follow-up punch like I was Beercules, and Paulie was a bottle-wielding sibling. Does that make him Julian Jackson? No, it does not. Relevancy of argument: 0%.

Really, people who say that kind of **** need their skin peeled off, acid thrown over them, and then pissed on by a crack-addicted hobo before being carted off to be a special guest star in an ISIS video.

But I’m getting sentimental. Let’s crack on with the latest in our series?br />



JR. FEATHERWEIGHT ?RING ****ZINE RATINGS
CHAMPION: Guillermo Rigondeaux
1. Scott Quigg
2. Leo Santa Cruz
3. Carl Frampton
4. Nonito Donaire
5. Genesis Servania
6. Shingo Wake
7. Rey Vargas
8. Albert Pagara
9. Jessie Madaleno
10. Hugo Ruiz

This division got a bit of spark into it the other night, when domestic rivals Frampton and Quigg fought on the same night, different bills. Quigg impressed, demolishing Kiko Martinez in two rounds so convincingly that Terry O’Connor wasn’t even needed. Sadly, Frampton had a more competitive but less impressive night against a Mexican opponent so tall and rangy I’d describe him as a “beanpole?if only it wouldn’t mean I’d probably get banned for racism again. I did feel for Frampton that night. I’ve seen him two or three times and he looks pretty good, but the kid’s only 5?, just around a foot taller than Versatile. The reach disadvantage was so apparent that night that Frampton’s arms only looked three times the length of New England’s. Since that night, Quigg and Frampton actually swapped places in The Ring's rankings, just going to show what one night can do for you.

But the main man here is Rigondeaux, and doubtless there’ll be some racist fucking asshole that will replace the R in his name with an N to try and get a cheap laugh. My advice to you if you’re thinking of that: DON’T. Get out of the thread ?we don’t need that kind of cheap racism here for fuck’s sake.

But Rigondeaux’s an intriguing fighter in that, while undoubtedly skilled, even his own mother watches his fights and says to people in the room “is there anything better on the other side??He’s a boxer who makes Andre Ward look like Hagler-Hearns, the kind of guy who’s so instantly forgettable you forget you’ve seen him the week after. In fact, you might be in for more of an exciting night if Reed came round your house with 300 of his home renovation photos. The last time Rigondeaux fought, I turned to a friend and said “I fancy watching a Rigondeaux fight, any idea when he’s on??He said to me “he’s on right now, yer ****, you’re watching him live.?It was as if the guy was so tedious that my eyes had glazed over and my brain had rejected all intake of his mogadon-like qualities.

The rest of ‘em range from “I reckon I’ve seen him, I’ll check on boxrec to remind me, I was probably pissed (drunk, Fat Yanks)?and “who’s that **** again??I know, I know... what kind of boxing fan am I? With fighters like Cruz and Donaire, in what I call "the midget divisions", it's a bit like deciding not to watch a 1950s b/w movie about a Frenchman smoking a pipe... you know it's critically acclaimed and has quality, but sometimes you just feel like watching The Expendables, you know what I mean? I'm not the boxing fan I used to be, and I can't keep up with these midgets.

But, overall, I think even with a rivalry between two punchers in Frampton-Quigg, plus the concept of it being a "domestic" rivalry, then this is a division worth a look. They’d doubtless both get put to sleep (in a metaphorical, not literal way) by Rigondeaux, but that’s by the by. Something to look forward to.

VERDICT: Decent